I tried a new yoga class last weekend. It was not yoga for exercise, which I did for several years in the past, but instead about two hours of relaxation, breathing, stretching, breathing, with 'ohms' and the full ceremony. I enjoyed it very much. The last five minutes or so was just focusing on stillness and consciously listening.
I left this very nurturing atmosphere with this message "I want to live life intentionally, and stop letting life happen to me."
I was impressed with this message. I bonded with it and felt it was exactly what I needed. I thanked God for giving me this thought. And then, of course, I tried to put it into practice. Since last Saturday:
- We all got sick
- The dog turned out to have a terrible case of fleas (even though on Sentinel all year round)
- Our rug shampooer broke three times while my living room was half wet and half dry.
- I cracked a major molar within 24 hours of getting a clean bill of health at the dentist.
- I was stuck with an emergency crown procedure. $$
- I got sicker
- I was too sick to go to the concert I had been looking forward to for weeks.
- I was too sick to go on the shopping/bus trip I had been looking forward to for weeks.
I'm trying to decide--was my goal the wrong goal? Were the obstacles placed in my path to see how tough I am? Here is my conclusion: I had a great goal and then I got sick and broke a tooth. I am not going to question my intention. I am not going to question God. I'm going to say, whether I'm living intentionally or not, life continues to happen. It doesn't stop, just because I want to call the shots. I'm going to have to be in both. I will try every day to do some things that mean something to me, whether it is organize the bills, sweep the front walk, or write a short story. It doesn't matter, how big or insignificant to others, as long as it is something with meaning to me.
However my message needs a slight change in wording. I realize, like it or not, it has to be "I need to live intentionally while life happens to me."
And so, surprise, surprise, I learn once again that I am not in control of everything, and never will be. I need to make peace with that, and be in control five minutes a day. Or five times a day. Or even just right here, when I decide which word to place next in this sentence. Here I am, creating my reality.