Monday, May 25, 2015

All you need is a pencil stub and one old envelope

 Today's post is to participate in the writing exercise:  How writing has positively influenced my life. Hosted by Positive Writer.

So many roles we all shoulder in this life.  Daughter, sister, student, friend, girlfriend, wife, co-worker, mother.  But when are you ‘me’?  For me it is when I’m writing.
I’m the me who counted the cracks in the sidewalk from my house to the corner convenience store because it seemed like something to do.  I’m the me that carefully closed my bedroom door so I could stay up long past my bedtime to finish reading the latest Judy Blume.  I’m the me who hid 'supplies' in a hollowed out log near some railroad tracks in the woods that only one other person knew about.  The me that rode her bicycle across town to the McDonald’s with 35 cents in her pocket to get a hamburger and a cup of ice water all by herself.  The one who sat on the quad in college soaking up the sun while people walked by, a redbird flew overhead, and I had no where I had to be in the for-seeable future (which was about 4 hours at that time, the future).

When I’m writing I feel the other precious roles in life, those I’m lucky to call my own, float away.  Dropping to the ground.  Waiting outside the doorway of my writing room. I look around in my own brain and say ‘What are you thinking about writing today?  Yes, you.  The one who lives in this body?”

I can feel the sidewalk under my roller skates.  I can smell the lilacs on the bush on my walk home from second  grade.  I hear my breath coming in and out of the lungs of the same girl who would run down the street for Mr. Softy with her dime.  Almost all of my true ‘me’ feelings are in childhood.  As soon as the older years come into play, I was trying to be someone.  Trying to be the student my father longed for.  Trying to have a career that seemed important.  Trying to take care of my laundry and decorate my first apartment like the Good Housekeeping magazine covers.  Even at 22 I was already trying to form my life the way a good solid life should be.  But the key word there is ‘trying’.  When I’m me, I’m not trying.  I just am.  Writing allows me to stop trying and just feel, breath, be, myself.  All those people studying and searching the world to find themselves?  I find myself every time I sit down to write. 

Saturday, May 09, 2015

Mother’s day is not my favorite holiday…

I believe Hallmark and such make too big a deal out of Mother’s Day (and several other holidays).  I daydream of my own mother often (she died 16 years ago now), and don’t need a holiday to remember her.  I think of my own children daily if not hourly, and I always celebrate their birth (literally) and reminisce about my part in it on their birthdays. Now that I think of it I’m not very big on most holidays other than Christmas. Confession: I’m often glad when they are over.  But I love birthdays. I love vacations.  I love celebrating for no reason and I love celebrating my children’s important moments. I love the day after Thanksgiving when we are all in our pj’s playing Scrabble and watching reruns of Parks and Rec together. 

Mother’s Day is a holiday of exclusion for any woman who doesn’t happen to be a mom.   I know women who lead happy and full lives without children. I know people who have yearned for children and it has never happened for them.  I know people who have lost children, or lost parents certainly, and this holiday only brings them pain.  Why do we need to go there?
Being an introvert, I also dislike any occasion that makes me the center of attention.  Too much pressure.  Gosh a whole day I have to be happy!  My kids and husband usually do a fine job of marking the occasion too, you would be jealous.  I’m ungrateful, that is the root of it.

Now, you’re thinking, Toni isn’t usually so negative.  She is being a drag, it’s just a little holiday.  And you are right.  I’m being  nudged with thoughts of Dicken's Scrooge here so I’m trying to remember what he learns from all those ghosts.  Oh yeah, life is good, enjoy it.  Relationships are important so build into them while you can.  So I will.  I will enjoy myself and sincerely appreciate whatever pleasantries come my way.  I hope all of you will too, but I still secretly wish holidays were about an hour long and wanted to speak up for any others of you out there who do too.  Someone work on that.

Saturday, May 02, 2015

I Like Now

When it is bedtime I don't want to get in bed. I want to stay awake and make the free time of evening last longer. When I wake up the next morning in my cocoon of a bed, I don't want to get out and start my new day. 
 When I'm drinking my morning coffee, I put off getting in the shower because it feels like life ends there and work begins.  When I am in the shower, I want to stay there for an hour at least.
 When I am home in the mornings, I don't want to leave for work and will dawdle terribly.  When my work day is at end, and I’m in the middle of some tantalizing investigation, I don't want to leave for home and will dawdle terribly. 
I live in the NOW.  Isn't that what all the experts tell you to do?  Wherever I am, I like being.  I am Procrastinator Girl. I am a study in paradox. Indecision is my middle name.