Partnering with the Creator

I tried a new yoga class last weekend.  It was not yoga for exercise, which I did for several years in the past,  but instead about two hours of relaxation, breathing, stretching, breathing, with 'ohms' and the full ceremony.  I enjoyed it very much.  The last five minutes or so was just focusing on stillness and consciously listening. 

I left this very nurturing atmosphere with this message "I want to live life intentionally, and stop letting life happen to me."

I was impressed with this message.  I bonded with it and felt it was exactly what I needed.  I thanked God for giving me this thought.  And then, of course, I tried to put it into practice.  Since last Saturday:

1. We all got sick
2. The dog turned out to have a terrible case of fleas (even though on Sentinel all year round)
3. Our rug shampooer broke three times while my living room was half wet and half dry.
4. I cracked a major molar within 24 hours of getting a clean bill of health at the dentist.
5. I was stuck with an emergency crown procedure. $$
6. I got sicker
7. I was too sick to go to the concert I had been looking forward to for weeks.
8. I was too sick to go on the shopping/bus trip I had been looking forward to for weeks.

Talk about not letting life 'happen' to you.  Geez.  How is this helpful?  Is God trying to tell me that I don't get to make decisions like this?  That He is in control?   

I'm trying to decide--was my goal the wrong goal?  Were the obstacles placed in my path to see how tough I am? Here is my conclusion:  I had a great goal and then I got sick and broke a tooth.  I am not going to question my intention. I am not going to question God.  I'm going to say, whether I'm living intentionally or not, life continues to happen.  It doesn't stop, just because I want to call the shots.  I'm going to have to be in both.  I will try every day to do some things that mean something to me, whether it is organize the bills, sweep the front walk, or write a short story.  It doesn't matter, how big or insignificant to others, as long as it is something with meaning to me.

However my message needs a slight change in wording.  I realize, like it or not, it has to be "I need to live intentionally while life happens to me."

And so, surprise, surprise, I learn once again that I am not in control of everything, and never will be.  I need to make peace with that, and be in control five minutes a day.  Or five times a day.  Or even just right here, when I decide which word to place next in this sentence.  Here I am, creating my reality. 

Toni

Target: Muncie

This week I registered for the Midwest Writer's Workshop in July, which includes a manuscript critique, a pitch session with an agent, and a query letter review.  Each of these is about 3 minutes long, so I don't expect to stress about it.  I am feeling excited because I don't actually have a manuscript, query letter or pitch as of this moment.  I have a manuscript begun, a query letter from my last novel, and a plan to Google what a pitch session is.  But, I need this like I need water and chocolate: external, structured, kick-in-the-butt.  I have paid for the conference, I made hotel reservations, I took the days off work.  So now, assuming I get to my writing room three weekends out of four, I have a total of about 36 hours to achieve these goals.  Not much.  Do I start polishing the five chapters I have completed?  Do I work on a synopsis (part of the ms review) and try to plan out my story?  Do I go back and review the dreaded query letter that gained me 132 or so rejections last time around?  Do I practice my pitch to my dog Molly? 

What I need to do is first things first.  And first things, at least the next 5 or 6 weekends, is going to be going full-steam on my story.  I have no  hope of creating a synopsis or a pitch until I get the story arc figured out.  Then I can try for a synopsis, and then start polishing, the first five pages, which is actually the limit to what they will critique.

In any case, my blood pressure is up even though I'm sitting on a comfy bed with a velour throw and my laptop actually in my lap.  I'm primed for writing.  Now, to keep that excitement flowing.  Note to self: Blog about this next weekend....How to keep the fire burning.  And the following week...Elizabeth Berg.

Swirly-mind

In January I wrote three blog posts and three chapters in my Work-in-progress on three consecutive Saturdays. Then in three blinks of an eye I realize I have missed the last two weekends completely.  One blog post and zero chapters so far in February.  This proves something that we all know, action begets action.  Inaction begets inaction.  My momentum was interrupted and my lofty plans slid into some closet in my brain just that quickly. 

My problem is that Saturdays and Sundays are so precious.  I work five days a week like many people, Monday through Friday.  Dinners are late, work runs over, church and kid activities fill the evenings. You know the drill.  So on Saturday I have ten or fifteen things crowding into my brain for attention.  Groceries?  Video games?  Lounging? Dishes, laundry, taxes, piles of mail, someone's birthday, a new flip house, housecleaning, gardening, social plans, baking, sleep, movies, reading books, visiting with family, church, and?  And writing.

I know when I'm thinking clearly that if I could pick a vocation that feels like I belong in it, it is writing. And when I'm thinking clearly I make promises to myself and others that I will place priority on my writing time.  All the other things can wait.  But regardless, if I leave a sink of dirty dishes or pass up a baby shower to go write, I do not feel good.  

And when I'm thinking clearly, I know that I just have to do it.  Just go in my writing room and write during my office hours and all the other stuff will be waiting when I come out.  It is not so much hard to follow my own advice here, as it is easy to not follow it.  Swirly-mind is what I call it.  All the demands and needs are just there above my head, swirling in a soup of obligation and responsibility.  Even writing is in the soup now. 

My password right now is one that makes the annoying song pop into my head "Put one foot in front of the other..." But I do that on purpose.  I use my password more than 21 times a day, which is the number of times the adult brain is supposed to need to 'get' something.  So I keep reminding myself to stop looking at the soup.  Stop looking up and instead look down.  At my feet. And put one foot forward.  One blog post.  One batch of cupcakes.  One clean toilet.  That is the only way I've found to turn swirly-mind into productive human being.  And it works!  Well, some of the time anyway.  Some days the swirl hypnotizes me with the steady beat of  'Pick me. Pick me.'  But today? I looked down. 

How do you spell Kumbayah?

How do you spell Kumbayah?  
Well I Googled it and as you can see I figured it out.  This is a term my husband and I have been throwing around  lately to describe a state of being that we just can't seem to get to. We can't seem to 'unsee' and 'unhear' things that have been done and said that were hurtful, or unnecessary, or manipulative. 

How do you forgive someone who has behaved in a very unlovely way? 
I Googled it and it turns out this all has to do with love.  Forgiveness is to remove anger from your insides so it doesn't turn you into a bitter and depressed person on the outside.  So you do it for yourself and because it is what God wants you to do. 

But wait, what if they don't even realize they did anything wrong?   
This is a tougher one, but Google still returned with "About 97,800,000 results (0.42 seconds) ". Even though nothing in those results really satisfied me, it is comforting to know I only read the first three. The answer could still be out there.

How to discuss a depressing topic without depressing those around you?
Yeah, I didn't bother to Google this one.  We all know it isn't possible.  That is why I'm blogging about this rather than talking to or emailing friends.  Because I don't want to share my dark cloud with anyone who is currently sitting in a chaise lounge in the sun.  Having said that, the theme of this blog is how writing keeps me sane.  And it does.   Like, now. See the sanity returning? 

If someone doesn't like you, why does it bother you? 
Googling this made me smile, as the second entry in the results was "How to not be annoying, 11 steps with pictures" You mean, like maybe they have an actual reason for not liking me?  Now I'm disappointed Google.  I thought you were going to tell me that it doesn't matter what other people think.  

Is it better to live in a world that seems fine but isn't?  Or one that doesn't seem fine, but is?
I think we all live in fantasy world a good portion of the time.  We see what we want to see and we ignore the rest. Until something smacks us in the face like a bluejay hitting the glass patio door.   God knows and I know that truth is what sets you free.  For that bluejay to pretend that the glass wasn't there did him a world of hurt.  We need to see the glass. And fly another direction.

Office Hours

With a new year comes fresh energy to launch my writing personality once again.  My first step is to commit to defined Office Hours for myself.  Starting today, they are:

Saturdays 9:00 am to Noon

(Every Other) Sunday Noon to 3:00 pm

A re-beginning. I'm writing on the guest bed in my son's old room. If I get a two chapters done by February, I will allow myself to buy a desk, but so far, the bed feels just fine.  Onward, pen. 

Sickbed (not death bed) Promises

I happen to be home with a sinus-head-cold-feel-like-crap kind of virus.  And whenever it gets bad enough, like today, that I call in sick at work and stay in bed, the same thing happens.  First I rest.  Then I give in to the impulse to get something done while the house is empty.  Then I start coughing and hacking and realize the day is shot and I haven't rested nearly enough.  Then I try to take a nap.  And that is when the bell tolls.  The deja vu bell.  That I've been here before having these exact thoughts.

You know, like "Why didn't I take advantage last week when I was HEALTHY and start on this presentation?"  or "Why was I complaining about achey-painy stuff when it was nothing compared to this?"  and the ever classic "As soon as I start feeling better I'm going to stop taking my good health for granted."

This is usually followed by a few sallow days of non-productivity, Kleenex over-usage and bad television or napping at work with my eyes open.  Then, God-willing, I start feeling better.  And the first day I wake up feeling human I drink a big glass of OJ.  I google which vitamins help your immune system and stop by Walgreens to pick some up.  I floss my teeth, dust off my walking shoes and I tell myself, "You are not getting younger and someday one of these virus-cold-think-you-are-dying things will turn out to be Something.  You need to GET your ACT to-gether.  Starting now." 

This promise to myself is genuine, even if it does feel like a tolling bell.  But in a week or two when life has attached itself to my adrenaline pump and I'm overwhelmed and understaffed (all wives need a wife) I start up with the same bad habits.  I over indulge.  I sleep late and get to work late. I slough off the housework.  I forget, my brain follows the same rut, and I forget my promises.  Until.  Until the next time I catch a nasty bug and am here.  Again.  Promising.

Today I see an analogy that I'm sure has been done a thousand times, but I'll take the excuse that I'm not well-read and use it anyway.  My usual life is like an automobile.  A car that you fill with gas.  Then you hit the accelerator.  And you don't stop, until the tank is empty.  When the tank is empty you wring your hands and say "WHY didn't I see this coming?  Why didn't I fill the tank with gas half an hour ago?  Why didn't I slow down for those stop signs and for that zoo and that antique store?"  I might have had a chance of my brain kicking in long enough to warn me 'Stop and fill up.'  But we all continue with this awful habit.  We push down to accelerate our lives and we add tasks and say yes and try to accomplish more in an evening than should be done in a week.  Then when we get sick (our tank is empty) we stop and wonder how we let things get like this yet again.  If I'm 50, I've probably had this talk with myself 100 times.  And I haven't learned a thing.

So today's promise?  Today's promise is to take ownership of the way I have chosen to subsist and to recognize it for what it is.  I don't have to drive myself hard.  I don't have to say yes.  I do it and no one else is making me.  No one else is putting that nutty bar in my purse.  No one else is 'forgetting' oops, my yoga mat one more time.  No one else is passing up the banana and apple for the Pringles.  It is I.  And I can continue down this path.  Its ok.  As long as I'm aware it is a choice I make. 

Colds will come and go for everyone and for me.  But this head cold is wake up call #100.  Slow down.  You move too fast....

Toni Re-read this Regularly

So I started writing again today.  And by writing, I don't mean that I ordered three books about writing that looked delicious from Amazon (although I did that too).  I don't mean that I posted humorously on facebook (did) or that I'm writing a blog post here.  Although you can tell that to get my writing engines running I have to do a darn lot of babysitting of my ego and self-persuasion.

But no, I mean I started a new story today.  I woke up and grabbed my laptop (yes I sleep with it under my bed) and started writing an idea for a story that has been brewing for some months.  I don't know why today is any different than any other Saturday morning.  But everyone was asleep, I have no plans whatsoever for the day (uh oh, that won't repeat itself), I'm healthy, I've been in the 'new year try again' mode for 19 or so days, and so I started writing.

Yay for me!

Now, it is a good time to make some promises to myself about the new story, fragile new attempt, and to reread these thoughts every time my thread breaks. Notes to self...

1. Examine the long gaps in your blog posts at least once per month.  Time flies whether you write or not.

2. Start writing your dreams when you wake up right next to your prayers before you fall asleep.

3. Practice being better at keeping secrets. I find in the telling and explaining to others I lose my energy for characters and a story.  Every time you are tempted to blurt out "I'm writing again!" instead blurt out "I love chocolate chip cookie. Don't you?"

4. Read the damn books that you order about writing.  Read at least one a month.  OK, read at least one per quarter.  There, an ATTAINABLE goal, measureable, and not painful in the least.

5. Stop the critical voices in your head the minute they start.  The ones that say things like, "Why are you obsessing about that character's first name instead of plotting?  You know that isn't something REAL writers do.  You must not be a real writer."  Instead tell yourself "I love Chocolate Chip cookies!" and smile.  Or, just stop.

6. Avoid the over-used elipses...

Whew, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a book contract out of those six on how to motivate yourself to write.  Let's see, if I get the book contract, and then they interview me, I better have an answer to the question, "So where do you get your ideas?"

Oh yeah,  and

7. Repeat after me, or rethink after me, "Why do you write Toni? "  " Because I love to."  "Why?"  "Because I love to."  "WHY?"  "Because I l - o - v - e to write."

Should

Are there any good sentences with the word 'should' in them?
    " You should have known that I was not going to be there."
"Seems like you should be happy since I did what you asked."
     "I should have given her more time."
"You kids should not be watching that tv show."
     "I should have known better."

I can't come up with one.  There probably are times, but in general, I think 'should' should be left out of conversations.  Especially if you are saying it to someone else (not to yourself).  As soon as I hear the word 'should' come out of someone's mouth all I can think is "Whether I should or shouldn't, this is how I actually AM feeling."  It feels like judgement to me.  So when I find myself using it with my kids "You should be happy we have any dinner at all." I try to rephrase it.  Because no matter how true, if you annoy people in the process you are never going to get your point across.  And with my spouse, it is even worse idea.  I have been conscious of this long enough now, that when I do throw a 'should' into a discussion it is usually purposeful and meant to annoy.  It is good isn't it, when we can not just complain about other people's habits that drive us crazy, but actually learn from them?  Turn the flashlight on yourself when you are feeling annoyed and ask yourself "Do I do that?"  You don't have to admit it out loud in public or to your kids, but to notice this is a step towards self-aware behavior, which is good for everyone who crosses your path.

Try it this week.  "Do I do that?" Hmmm......

Blessings,
Toni

Year gone by

"A year has gone by since I posted."  Sadly I have typed those words before in this blog.   It means I've lost my thread.  Again.  Writing is my desired vocation but I have continued to allow life to overpower that desire.  Sometimes life needed the leading role, and sometimes it didn't. 

Interesting the last post was Labor Day weekend and here it is again, Labor Day weekend one year later.  September is the new year to me.  The time to start new habits and try new things.  Time for change.  

In my day job I am starting with a new employer next week.  After 16 years with one company, I took the plunge into new-job-hood.  My motivation to make this change is not for the usual career advancement -- more money, more status, more responsibility, more importance.  Instead it is a move toward a simpler life, closer to home (five blocks from my house to be exact), a much smaller company, a hometown company.  I don't know yet if I will be successful but I know this change will allow for new experiences, something I crave in my cells. 

Among the many reasons I have given to others for the job change, one I haven't mentioned out loud is a small hope that it will allow more time for my writing.  For actually writing something.  For typing words on a blank screen or writing letters on a yellow legal pad.  For writing.  As reasons go, it is a pretty darn good one.

So many things have happened since my last post.  And if I don't get some self-discipline, my next post will be a year from now.  And even though lovely life full of stress and joy will happen whether I write or not, I want this year to be different.  Praying for some discoveries on how I can be more self-disciplined.

Toni