Too much of a good thing

On Christmas day, it’s a cliché, but one of my dreams came true.  I woke up, had a decadent breakfast in my pajamas with all four of my kids at the same dining room table with Chuck and I, and then stayed in those pajamas, all day.  I fantasize of days like this.  Christmas day I read, I puzzled, I conversed, I played a board game, I noshed on Maurie's turtles and cold ham and brioche rolls.  Candles were burned, new soft throws were involved.  So stress free.  So obligation free. So free.  I had a warmth in my chest that could only be described as deep contentment.  And very pointed gratitude.

Fast forward to New Years day, when I somewhat recreated this scenario.  Well, not exactly.  First of all not surrounded by my kids.  Second, no good leftovers.  But it was another glorious day with no plans or obligations, and I stayed in my pajamas….until about 3pm when I broke out of jail.  Where was the contentment?  Where was the warm feeling?  Instead I was plagued with the need to do. Be productive.  Put away Christmas or work on my novel or establish some goals or buy new pillows.

My first thought is the old 'too much of a good thing is not a good thing'.  Even though I covet free time and would happily quit my job and fill my days with projects and trips and reading and writing and ‘rithmatic, the pajama fantasy is limited.  I was cracking good at one solid day of it. 

I am not good at doing the same thing twice in a row and have written about this before.  That is why I have chosen to work in a workplace where in the same forty-five minutes I might help the volunteer in the gift shop reboot her credit card machine, notify the Peds providers they are missing Meaningful Use due to measure 17, and jot out an implementation plan for transitioning our 50 or so live interfaces from eGate to Intersystems interface engine. In most IT shops this would be three different people if not three entirely distinct teams. 

This is why I have three separate Pinterest boards for houses: new construction, flipping, and remodeling ours.  If I just focused on the one I would die of monotony. 

This is why I have unread books on my bedside table, in my kindle, on my upstairs bookshelf, on my phone, in my car and on my to-be-read shelf in Goodreads, Pinterest, and Amazon.  Reading is a classic ADD soother. You can be in Witchita, KS as a sous chef and the same day be a 60-something private detective in Nova Scotia. Variety is built in.  Who would settle for less? Heck, maybe reading incessantly since 5^th grade is the cause of my self-diagnosed ADD. 

This is why yesterday I watched four episodes of a video series on writing well, I colored in my adult coloring book, I surfed vacations for June and real estate for retirement.  I perused my high school yearbook reading some of the tributes. I also did take down the tree, shop for a calendar and fill it out, invite people for lunch tomorrow and put an old pillowcase on a new pillow. 

OK, I’m getting that quite familiar sensation that I have what others call 'issues'.  It isn’t medically-diagnosed ADD because I’m able to focus.  It is probably a more superficial inability to be bored.  Boredom intolerance.  Variety junkie.  I would say ‘spoiled brat syndrome’ but immediately my internal defender can point to hours, weeks, and years I do perform tedious repetitive tasks, I just don’t chose to write about them.  I mean I make my stupid bed every week at least.  

The thing is, today, just 24 hours later I don’t feel that way.  I feel like sitting here staring at my blinking cursor, angst-free, is a reasonable and appropriate activity.  I might do the dishes. Or not. I guess since I invited people to lunch for tomorrow I will. I 'suffer from' some watered-down variation of bi-polarity, which my theory is everyone has to some degree.  We’re all on that ‘spectrum’ as they say. 

I should end this with a nice resolution for the new year, but that could be a dangerous path for a variety junkie.  I might overdose and suddenly it will be 5pm, my fingers sore and color-stained.  Instead I’m going to breathe. That’s my resolution for 2016.  Breathe and accept. Breath and accept.

Who am I kidding?  I'm going to go make a color-coded chart of my goals for 2016.  The dishes will wait.

 

 

June Haiku

June went by too fast.
Rain Sun Rain Rain Rain Rain Sun
Breathe in. Breath out. Gone.

I Like Now

When it is bedtime I don't want to get in bed. I want to stay awake and make the free time of evening last longer. When I wake up the next morning in my cocoon of a bed, I don't want to get out and start my new day. 

 When I'm drinking my morning coffee, I put off getting in the shower because it feels like life ends there and work begins.  When I am in the shower, I want to stay there for an hour at least.

 When I am home in the mornings, I don't want to leave for work and will dawdle terribly.  When my work day is at end, and I’m in the middle of some tantalizing investigation, I don't want to leave for home and will dawdle terribly. 

I live in the NOW.  Isn't that what all the experts tell you to do?  Wherever I am, I like being.  I am Procrastinator Girl. I am a study in paradox. Indecision is my middle name.

Time off for good behavior?

Remember your college Econ classes where every session you are studying overheads of a bell curve of some kind? I should--I was an Economics major in college. Well, my writing life resembles one of those curves, only it isn't one big hump, it is a long series of lows and highs with very little time spent on any kind of even keel.

I wouldn't say I'm at a low, creativity-wise, but time-wise. I have a year-long work schedule for my writing, and after 17 years as a parent, I was wise enough to give myself the month of December completely off. It makes it hard to pick things back up in January, but it is a practical reality for the next ten years or so. Well, I wasn't wise enough to give myself May off, but it has been a month with no writing included anyway. I find it ironic that I was so deeply entrenched in my writing vocation in April, that I felt compelled to initiate this blog, and within weeks I'm so far from that deep perspective, I barely remember the title of my latest work.

May is filled with obligations, endings, beginnings, holidays, school activities, you name it. I have five things on most nights, and I decide that afternoon which items to cross off (as even I can't be five places at once). I also took on remodeling and spring-cleaning to prepare for a family gathering, helping with field trips and class parties, and was required by my day job to attend eight days of professional development classes, outside of my usual work hours.

To make this very short story long, I haven't been writing. I have been visiting my favorite bulletin board, writers.net. I have been raking in the rejections from a very ambitious mailing I did a few weeks ago. I have someone reading my first novel from beginning to end, the first person to do so. But I have taken time off from writing. While it goes against my long term plans, I think it is safe to say that I better work most Mays out to fit this model, as while May includes Mother's Day, it is more of a iron-woman challenge than a holiday for most mothers.

It is also the most beautiful weather, and lots of fun mixed in with all the obligations. I'm a spring/fall lover myself. I do not crave the sun, I crave 60s and 70s with a mild breeze. So May leaves me feeling mellow and relaxed when I get to spend time out of doors. And hopefully prepared to make June a highly productive month for this writer!

Blessings,
Toni

Writer Interrupted...

Ever plan an event at your own home and suddenly every remodeling project you ever thought needed to be done seems to need to be done this week? That is where I've been.

Having an 8th grade graduation/confirmation shin-dig for dd1 next weekend, and suddenly we are painting walls, picking out flooring for the entryway, building a bookshelf, and more. It doesn't hurt that we are getting a nice big tax refund for the first time ever. How does a bookshelf fit into party plans, you might ask? Well, that is going in my writing nook, but before we put it up there and fill it, we of course (why?) want to repaint the walls--dark reddish brown as it happens, so three coats are needed. Then we can move all the books from the china hutch upstairs, and the china hutch can become home to dishes for the first time ever. Perhaps you have to be sitting here next to me to understand how that makes the grad party go better...hmm....

Anyway, my writing nook contents (desk, printer, laptop, etc.) are now spread all over the upstairs hallway, and unavailable to me, so writing has been on hold, but the querying continues.

Status check:For my first novel, LIFE SUPPORT, I have received 4 requests for the manuscript from agents, and 37 declines (my nice word for rejections) to date. Not a good track record. I'm going to rework the query before I send out the next batch.

I also have a bad cold, but I am going to my writer's group anyway. I'm too sick to cook dinner of course...
Blessings,
Toni