Quarantine 2020

Notes from the quarantine we are in for Novel Coronovirus/Covid-19 worldwide Pandemic.

The first week
Even normal things aren't normal.  Everything feels like I am part of a movie script, one where something unpleasant is about to happen to the characters.  Every glance, every movement, looking for clues as to where the trouble is.  Even routine things like taking out the trash feel heightened, to have some deeper meaning, but I don't know what that meaning is.  I'm waiting.  Is my throat sore? I'm sure I caught it traveling.

The first month
The first month for me was mid-March to mid-April 2020.  A kind of haze seemed to surround things.  I spent a lot of time obsessing over news channels on my phone, reading scientific articles, trying to become as educated as possible.  Uncertainty is the flavor of the month and it doesn't taste great.  I heard about the COVID-19 malaise and I thought, even without contracting this virus, I have the malaise.  Lethargy set in.  I binge-watched The Good Doctor, New Amsterdam, 9-1-1, Doc Martin, and many others that now escape my memory.  I appreciate laughter so much.  Being stuck in one small space together is not easy.  But each time I hear the laughter this month, I think 'Is this the last time?'  It feels like the world is going to reach our front porch any moment.

Some silver linings to this time in-between
I notice the flowers in my yard, innocently blooming, unaware the world has taken a 180 degree turn.

My morning cup of coffee means a lot to me.  Another day with no one sick in the house.  A marker in the days that flow together. Will tomorrow bring illness?

The girls dusted off and set up the Wii and we dug out old CDs of Just Dance.  It has been a blessing.  We've played card games, the four of us in my circle of germ-sharing. Dutch Blitz, Ticket to Ride, Just One.  Four 1000 piece puzzles in that first month while the cold and rain and wind and snow continued.

For my birthday in January I got a sewing machine from the kids, and I got it out for its inaugural run to sew face masks for my family.  We tried out phone apps like 'Houseparty' and had better luck with 'Marco Polo'. We talked about teaching ourselves to play the piano (hasn't happened yet, but hey).  I study the 1918 flu pandemic and learn the word vaccine didn't exist for the average person.

The second month
I feel like I took a deep breath and noticed my surroundings.  We are all here.  We have a grandchild coming.  We did not have a traditional Easter but it is ok, not to have everyone together. So much better than ok.  I start feeling like so many novels I've read about WWII.  The victory gardens, the rationing, the black-out curtains, the obedience for a higher good than my own self-fulfillment.  My perspective turns, I realize this is a truly historical period, that will be referred to just as often as September 11th or other moments that humanity shares.  Everyone in my family is united in treating this 'stay at home' order with solemnity.  And in getting through it together. 

People talk about this being a time of mourning and it is.  It is so many things.  I try not to mourn superficial things like my gray hair that has grown out without my hairdresser.  But I do mourn that spring break trip Anna had to cancel and the baby shower we can't perceive of holding any time this year and feeling good about it.

So it turns out for me, quarantine is about having so many feelings, all in the same 24 hours.  I get depressed, I get annoyed, I get angry, I get sad, I get excited, I get a nap (yay), I get anxious, exhausted from overtime at work, tired of my pajamas, started watching the evening news again.  I'm not a worrier at heart, but so far this quarantine has felt a LOT like a movie script and I want to be one step ahead of the scriptwriter.  I want to be prepared.  That involves a lot of pseudo-worrying.

Here are some pictures of this time period that I want to save here.  What Quarantine 2020 was like for me, in pictures.

Remember how the whole world put hearts in their windows?  To recognize the nurses and doctors, the EMTs and police and fire.  The postmen and UPS delivery women, and everyone else who kept working, so we could #staysafeathome ?

Remember that year all salons were closed, and your gray hair grew out.  But there was no one at home who minded?  These pictures were both taken the same day.  My gray isn't visible at my hair line :)  Who knew. 

Nature doesn't know it is a strange year, 2020.  Nature just goes right along. 

Easter morning worshiping through YouTube.  Anna's first attempt at homemade croissant.

Visiting the grandparents from six feet away. 

Farm n Fleet parking lot for our safe-distance visit with Chris and Jenny.  She is 33 weeks along here.

We celebrated two birthdays 'in lockdown' as they say,  so far.  Julia's 21st and Anna's 25th.

A social distancing approved virtual baby shower for Baby Evans.  He is due June 2.  

Future self, these are all things that have really happened in March and April of 2020.  Restaurants (drive-thru only), bars, malls, non-essential stores have all closed.  Everyone is wearing a face mask in public and staying at least six feet from all other humans.  School has been closed since March 16.  A ten week-long 'snow day'.  After fighting so hard for years to get one 'work from home day' a week we now have 100% work from home at my employer.  Not everyone is finding it to their liking.  Zoom book club.  Toilet paper shortages.  Hand sanitizer at a premium. Lots of good memes. Porch drop and runs. Cruise ships.  Air Pollution disappeared.  Millions have been laid off or unemployed.  I can't go to the eye doctor or the dentist. I've had poison ivy for two weeks, driving me insane. No yoga, no hair salons are open.  There is an election in six months and no election campaign commercials. I wonder if a year from now, or ten years from now, any of us will believe this all really happened?

At the root of this it is all about the dying.  We've passed the 3 million mark for Covid-19 cases in the world and  the 60,000 mark for U.S. deaths at the time I'm posting this.  Everyone is talking about how it is more deaths than the entire Vietnam war. Lord, hear my prayer, that your will for us is to be past the worst of this crisis and able to move on to whatever is next. Give us patience.

I've been witnessing the worst and the best in human nature.  It is like a magnifying glass has been placed over our characters, and all those quotes I'm so fond of, they are all revealing their truths.  How you act when you don't have to is just as important as how you act when you do have to. Character is revealed under pressure.   The bad news is out there and I'm a better person for having read it. Even if less naive and sadder.   The good news is also out there and I'm a better person for finding it and reading it all.  Such a feeling of a common purpose, the world, trying to save themselves but also trying to save their fellow-human-beings.  Worthy.  We are worthy.

Its not about P O L I T I C S

Politics -- when there are two candidates, you really, really want yours to win, but they don't.  Or they do. Politics is when in 1980, 1984, and in about half the elections since where  'my' candidate lost, I was disappointed.  I was a bit incredulous that the 'other guy' could win.  That is politics.  Politics is kind of like sports but with a lot more to lose and gain than pride.  I felt bad for a while and I probably stewed in the 'loss' but I moved on.

The 2016 election and how disillusioned I feel has nothing to do with politics.  Nothing.

Sure I wanted Hilary to win, and wanted my daughters to see the first woman president.  I was disappointed she lost. That is politics.  And I know there were lots of valid arguments against voting for Hilary.  Valid political arguments. Politics.

Sure I wanted Bernie to win the primary and ANYONE but Donald to win the Republican primary.  Still politics.  Still you can tell me 'Sour grapes, move on.'  I did.

The reason I am heartbroken has nothing to do with Trump now being my president either.  I mean yes, he ran on a Hitler-esque platform and hates women, anyone who isn't white, immigrants besides his wife, makes fun of people with disabilities and our servicemen.  But I believe that any president has limited power and most of his crazy, evil plans will not come to fruition.  I'm sure some of them will, but that is still politics.  That is like all the people who have protested that everyone having health insurance is not good or American.  I think it is a great thing, others don't.  We disagree.  We DO move on.  Still politics. And if the health insurance gets replaced with Trump's carefully designed plan documented currently as  "Something Terrific," ?  Politics.  I will get over it. I will move on.

Building a wall?  Isn't former president Reagan still revered for tearing down a wall?    I guess no one can get to our country without walking or driving?  This was an idea he came up with that is offensive to many but to me just dumb.  Dumb does not equal wrong. I've dealt with plenty of dumb in the past and 'gotten over it'.  Politics

Not Christian enough/at all?  Politics.  My Christian friends may disagree, but the fact he doesn't regularly seek God's will, calls the sacrament of communion having 'his little cracker...as often as possible' is his idea of 'religion' means he unfortunately isn't a a Jesus freak like myself.  Still I would prefer not to, but can and would vote for a president who is not what I call a Christian.  That is politics. That is separation of church and state. Freedom.

And speaking of our new president, no one needs to tell me to treat him with the same respect and dignity that everyone provided to President Barack Obama the last eight years.  I know how to be a good American. (I do hope Presidents are required to read the Constitution)

I will even give you that in listing pros and cons of Donald Trump, there were some pros.  I love the idea of a good shake-up.  I love the idea of challenging the system.  I have no problems with his relationship-building with Russia.  That is politics.

What is not politics?  That people I  know, am friends with, respect, care about, family, co-workers would endorse and vote for such a prejudiced intolerant woman-hating anti-American anti-Veteran disability-bashing bully of a human.  He did all these things.  He said all these things.  No blame of the 'media' can account for the words that poured out of his mouth. Over and over again. Not one mistake.  Not one 'mispoke'.  Like Niagra falls, the values of a person who appears to respect no one but himself, poured out of him.

When he was asked if he had anyone die in the line of service, he said "I think I've made a lot of sacrifices.  I work very, very hard."  at that moment I was confident no reasonable person would vote for him, even if they were dying for a big upset. Big upset=interesting idea.  President who compares running a business to losing his own son, one who died for his country=wrong.

The man insulted our POWs. Wrong. 

The whole hidden recording where he said a bunch of sexist things about grabbing and forcing and pushing, and then women came forward to testify.  I can say 'not surprising'. I'm sure he said something similar thousands of times (unrecorded) and this would indicate this is not a priority for those who voted/endorsed his views.  If you want a president that thinks women are objects to be used you must not have a daughter.  You must not respect the opinions of all of our living former presidents, Republican and Democrat,  who at that moment withdrew all support for this human. Because it is wrong.
 
A man who doesn't pay his taxes used to be a criminal.  Now he is 'smart'.  What pays for all of our servicemen overseas, our military, our roads, our parks, our veterans and our retired citizens?  Taxes.  He doesn't care about any of those things enough to give one penny towards them?  Wrong. Perhaps for you or me,  cunning.  For the President of the United States of America, it is wrong. 

Let's all stop paying taxes and be like our new president.
Let's all build walls around our towns to keep out anyone who doesn't look or speak exactly like WE do.
Let's cheer for the predators of our daughters--who needs jails? That would require someone to pay taxes.
Let's denigrate the sacrifices of our troops, our fallen heroes, our POW's and veterans. We don't need a defense against enemies.

That is who you voted for.  That is who you voted for.

That is what the people I thought I knew voted for.    There is no other way I can look at it.  This is not about politics to me.  This is right and wrong.  A vote for Trump was a vote for bigotry, hate, division and anti-Americanism. It is not politics.  My father raised me to the tune of two main themes: Integrity and Initiative.  Mr. Trump may have initiative but he is sadly lacking in integrity.

Please stop telling me to get over it.  Move on.   This is not the Cubs losing the world series. It feels like a death.  It feels like the devil winning.

And though I will eventually get over it.  I'll remember the times my people were kind or helpful or loving.  I'll pray for the ability to overlook and forgive their endorsement of wrong that it now feels like they also embody having voted for this candidate.  And eventually I will.

I fully realize I'm being judgmental myself.  I'm judging that wrong is wrong.  And if anything I said in here offended you, I apologize.  It is not my intent to tear-down but to express my own current very strongly-rooted feelings.    I'm working on it. I'm praying about it.  And until I write about something, I can't move on.

And I'm praying we never go this low again and have this kind of election again.  Please Lord, let this be a wake up call and not the 'new normal'. And I pray for strength for all to put aside their differences and work together.  What else can you pray for?

One Way. Or Another...

I tend to re-read my own blogs in the day or two after I write them, as people send me comments, and I have to admit, last week's I kept wincing at the last couple sentences.  Because I sound flippant, like ALL you need to CURE depression is a pill and a plan.  I should have spent a little more time on the ending before I clicked 'submit'.

Yes. Sometimes, when I have a difficult week, and the Prozac isn't enough, having something to look forward to is what makes the difference between living life and giving in to symptoms.  But I do realize there are dozens of levels of depression.  I know many people try five or six meds without any of them making a dent.  I know some people kill themselves, and some people think crying at sad commercials is depression. My goal was to share about my own experience, so that I can contribute to it being less of a taboo subject in general.  The more people talk and share their own experiences, the less square-peg-in-a-round-hole I feel, and hopefully you feel.  Admitting my imperfections, failings, human-ness is not so much scary, or bad at all, but stabilizing.  

I don't know the cause or cure for depression, just coping mechanisms I've learned.  But I do know a huge contributing factor in my case, is my brain not shutting up for one second.  You must all be like this right? Where one minute you are writing a swim team event on the calendar and then suddenly ten minutes has passed and you realize your blood pressure is high because your brain went from swim meet to coach to lack of communication, to that time last fall when you volunteered and no one showed up, to those other parents....  You get the idea.  My brain left to its own resources heads down a darker, more prickly corridor than it needs to.  I imagine some people just write 'Swim Meet 5:00 pm home' and then they move on to the next thing they need to do.  Do they?  Well I'd like to try going 24 hours without letting my brain take the reins.  Every single time I look at the pile of mail, I don't start thinking of insurance bills, and then taxes and then my checking account balance and then...  When I see a pile of dirty dishes I don't think 'Should have, could have, why didn't I?'  but just 'Dirty dishes, let me wash them.'  I can't imagine being successful at this for even an hour.  Also part of me thinks, well this is my creative mind at work.  If I stop being creative will I still be a writer?  If I stop being creative will I turn into a boring robot? 

Things at work are at a stress level of 9 out of 10 right now, and yet someone told me this week 'Yes, but you are always happy.' and it caught me off-guard.  That is how I appear?  I was surprised.  It reminded me of more than once taking one of those surveys that says 'If you have five or more of these symptoms of depression, seek medical help.'  And I would have 17 of 20.  Yet my co-workers think I'm happy. All the time.

Which leads me to the conclusion that happiness and depression are not mutually exclusive in the same person, or for me, even in the same day.  Or another conclusion might be that I'm good at acting happy even when I don't feel it.  Certainly you hear many comedians are depressed in real life, and I do spend an unusual amount of time trying to make people (and myself) laugh. 

But then, my supersonic brain can be a pleasure. Sometimes I look back at my 20s and think 'Oh I wish I could live that over again.' but mostly I appreciate the perspective another 30 years gives a person.  It is clichéd but true to say my life is much richer now.  I try to look at things and really see them.  In my 20s I was distracted by having enough quarters to do the 7 loads of laundry I had, how to get the cat to the vet, or being late to catch the train.  I rushed from one thing to another, never fast enough, always wanting more, more of everything.  Now I can sit and marvel at the sunlight hitting our leaded glass window, making rainbows on the old carpet.  I can sit at the high school and instead of wishing she would hurry up and get out here so I can _____, I'm thinking 'take your time, the radio is on, the window is down so I'm breathing fresh air, I can sit and think for a while.'  When I look at a child, I see her pigtails, and her mis-matched socks, and the marker on her hand.  I don't just look at them, I see them, and I think about what she was doing earlier, and wonder if she likes getting her hair put into pigtails, or if she cries. 

These two ideas, are at cross purposes.  On the one hand my loose-cannon thinking contributes towards my depression, but on the other hand my color-palette thinking makes life so much more flavorful, interesting, more of an adventure in the every day.  Over-thinking is like a thorn in your shoe, it never feels good, but not thinking at all?  That is like never going outside, so you don't need shoes.  I'm not willing to sacrifice that much.  I guess my experiment should not be to spend 24 hours not thinking, but to spend 24 hours asking myself every five minutes 'dark path or light path' and trying to go back and take the other fork in my road of thoughts.  Maybe there's a Fitbit for that?

 

 

Something to look, forward, to...

The title is meant to be sung to the tune of 'Someone to Watch over Me' from that famous Gershwin melody .  Why?  Because I love Mr. Holland's Opus, and because having something to look forward to is a theme that deserves something special like a musical hug. 

I'm a little down today, and in a certain mood, and random music lyrics are flying through my head. "When you're down, and troubled.." James Taylor. From my year obsessed with Les Mis soundtrack: Do You Hear The People Sing and I believe this entire movie and beloved (by me) soundtrack, with titles like 'Javert's Suicide' is one long depressing but enthralling score.  It is my heart's desire our marching band would do a Les Mis theme, but alas, I'm not in charge.   "Seasons in the Sun" by Terry Jacks because I listened to it on my little 45 record player, in the fifth grade, and contemplated life's shortness for the first time.  I was ridiculed by some older girls who said it was the worst song ever written.  Obviously I've forgotten their cruel derisive laughter from the edge of the skating rink, WHILE I was trying to perform my solo for the instructor. 

I do as they say 'suffer from depression'.  I've been on and off anti-depressants over the years.  Mostly on, like now.  But I still have days here and there, like everyone does, that remind me of life without medication.  Enough stress can do it.  Bingeing on sugar products and/or alcohol.  Sometimes I feel my body is programmed to have days like this every 79th day or something, like clockwork.  And having song lyrics fight for attention in my head, drowning out intelligent thought, is one way I know it is here. 

I say thank God, praise be to God, for Prozac.  It has been my life-saver.  I've never tried to hide the fact that it gets me on an even keel so that I can be a productive human who can look outside her inner windows to the real world.  I first was prescribed it in 1991. I recommend it.  I refuse to read all the stories about America's over-medicated moods because for me, it is freedom.  I remember after 911 I went off of it for a few years.  Somehow, I thought, with things like that going on in the world, you can overcome a little depression without pills.  Look at those people jumping from the skyscraper and grow up and get over it. 

But, the flaw in that logic is, it isn't a problem that only affects me.  It affects my spouse and my children, especially.  They suffer when I'm losing my temper three times a day.  When I'm refusing to leave the house or yelling at them just for slamming a door.  And so at some point ten years ago or so I finally went back on my anti-depressant and stayed on it and am very happy that I have.

So back to the title, something to look forward to.  Because a pill doesn't fix it all.  Having something to look forward to is the #1 thing that helps me when I feel depression creeping in.  I put something enjoyable on the calendar.  I talk about it.  I daydream about it.  Right now I'm looking forward to my husband and I closing on our flip house in a couple weeks, a shopping trip with my sister in November, and attending an amazing writing workshop with my favorite author, Elizabeth Berg, who you've patiently read about in earlier posts.  I wanted to share a link, just in case any of you want to give yourself this same Christmas gift that Chuck and I are giving me ;)  Here is the description of the day she has planned: One-Day Writing Workshop for Women with Elizabeth Berg

But as deliciously anticipatory as I feel about this upcoming event, you don't have to go that extravagant to have something to look forward to.  It can be, on a Thursday morning, I remind myself that Project Runway is on that night.  It might be buying a new planner but not opening it yet, so that you know, when you need it you can go open that box and start writing and scheduling perfectly, just like Carol Brady.  For me anticipating any kind of travel is guaranteed good vibe material, so I'm already weighing options for next June.

I love my Sunday School class.  They are a group of encouragers who want nothing more than to improve your day, with as little drama as possible.  Love that hour of the week.  I love my book club, because, duh, its about BOOKS which are the best thing ever, and a group of ladies who continue to show up to talk with me, even though they know me well.  After ? years I still keep waiting for them to pat me on the head and tell me they are tired of humoring me and they have better things to do with their time than pick apart the relationships in The Help for instance. These two appointments are examples of what I've built into my schedule so I can grab that balloon before it flies away and tie it to me.  I can look up and say, aha, something to look forward to this week.  

Sometimes I have to dredge down to the smallest things.  Some days it is a dentist appointment that gets me out of work in time to see the sunshine.  Yeah, I know. Or just knowing when I get paid that Friday, I get to buy mums, or pumpkins or (this week) some new black socks. 

I know I may have lost many of you by now, but if you are someone who has dealt with depression, I think you are still with me.  Because part of the treatment, is just knowing others have the same issue, they survived, and you will too. Everybody's story is different, but this is what works for me. A pill plus a plan.

And my best advice--don't make any major life decisions while in a low plateau.  Stick to the socks choices.  You're welcome.